Dilemma And Epiphany No. 9251 - 31/01/25

im back on my reoccuring "questioning what this blog is for and what i should do in life" type-shit!!!!!
I used to describe myself in my about section as a "loose collection of information and ideas that's trying to consolidate itself into a coherent and cohesive whole".
I think this idea of forming a structured worldview and sense of self first came to me through JREG's video "Frameworthless".
It's been a while since I last watched that video so my memory may be a little rusty, but the basic premise is that a son is feeling depressed and asks his father for advice. The father posits that his son lacks a framework with which he can interpret himself and the world around him.
I'm not gonna give you the whole-ass synopsis, but there is one line in particular that stood out to me when I watched it. At one point, the son suggests that he could become an "amorphous blob, impossible to be pinned down or criticized", to which the father responds: "Don't forget impossible to love, son".
The thing that I took away from that was that I needed to be more structured, more cohesive and more coherent, at a time when I felt completely formless and horrible.
Of course, like any of JREG's videos, the message is never that straightforward, and his art is wrapped in a million layers of hyper-meta-post-ante-anti-irony that the viewer has to parse for themselves.

However, recently I've been questioning the idea of having a strict and regimented framework.
It first came as I started learning about anarchy, from afar it seemed far too confused and vague to be remotely impactful or useful (of course this idea was due to the image of the anarchist being this guy in a hoodie, aimlessly throwing around molotov cocktails, which has been unfortunately propagated everywhere). I came to the conclusion that anarchism was more of a flexible approach to politics and economics which rejects all vertical power structures, as opposed to a strict ideology. Such ideologies are harmful in the way that it completely captures one's mind and closes it, and how it is imposed upon others even if it doesn't apply to their situation and their needs.
The other avenue in which I started to think about this was everything concerning my own gender and sexuality.
For a while, I had known that I was at least somewhat queer, but I felt the need to find and apply precise labels to what I am, which seems to be something many people online are also doing, lol.
I was going through all of the asks in Porpentine's Retrospring because stalking people online is my number one hobby and I just love their approach to gender and the way they completely rejects all labels, I find it very inspiring. Gender not as a LEGO set with strict instructions, but as a box full of eclectic pieces that have been accumulated over time, that you are free to assemble into anything you want.
Here's some screenshots of these asks: 1 2 3

Recently, I've been trying to make myself, and this blog, more structured. Whether it be by adopting note-taking systems, or separating the posts into the journal or articles section of this website.
And for another person, this may be the perfect move, but I am not that person. As I started shifting my nindset, I noticed an immediate drop in how much I enjoyed things.
I felt pressure to make good notes, to make complete essays that make a point, to have a complete practice routine, to be able to keep track of all the things I've learned. Desperately trying to fit into the image of a "valuable" human being in this world that values productivity and output above all else.
I think it may be time to accept that I'll never be that kind of person, that I am a bit of a mess, that I enjoy doing things in my own time, in a more freeform manner, as I am doing right now (I'm just sitting down and writing this, like I used to with my older posts).

With this nice epiphany, I also realize that I may have to re-structure this site. AGAIN.
GOD. FUCKING. DAMNIT.