December 2024

31/12/24 - 6PM

Or I could just hang around outside at midnight, too... That'd be nice, hear the fireworks and maybe see them... That sounds way better than sulking inside.
Also, I don't know how this hasn't crossed my mind since October, but... I'm back to being a NEET... darn.
I'll be thinking about my new year's resolutions till then... Try to make them not so vague, and actually do-able.

31/12/24 - 5PM

I'm currently thinking about what I should play for when the clock hits midnight...
An obvious choice would be ABBA's Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight), but I don't think that"s quite the right vibe for what I want.
I could play Giles Corey's No One Is Ever Going To Want Me, that last part is such a good outburst of despair, frustration and maybe a bit of hope???
I could listen to the entierity of BTBAM's Colors, mmm...

30/12/24 - 3PM

I've been feeling kinda shitty, like an inanimate and slimy mass.
I should probably go outside, I went hiking a couple days ago and it was pretty fun, climbed up to 700m above sea level, when I reached the peak, I laid down and looked up at the completely clear sky, strange feeling, very agoraphobic, it felt like the ground beneath me was just about to give way, and I would fall all the way down.
My lips have been dry as hell since then tho, probably due to not having enough water during the hike (only around a liter and a half) and the winter air being also dry or sumthin, idfk.

27/12/24 - 8AM

So I re-installed Freetube a couple days back, I wouldn't exactly call it a relapse (lol). I think my relationship with Youtube has changed for a while, I'm not constantly glued to it, constantly plugged into the stimulus feed, nowadays most videos kind of bore me, I mostly just listen to music on it.
Strange, I always thought me not using Youtube anymore would be this dramatic and painful separation from something I'd always depended upon, that it would change everything. Instead its presence in my conscience has been slowly fizzling out, replaced by other things.

26/12/24 - 6PM

You ever come across a piece of media that scratches an itch that you've had for a while, but that you were too hesitant to actually entertain?
If you're wondering what I'm talking about, that's a secret hehehe :}

26/12/24 - 5AM

You should make as many enemies as possible, how can you expect to have an Enemies To Lovers arc otherwise?

25/12/24 - 6PM

I'm probably just gonna have the contents of the footer in my index page only, firstly cuz I don't think it's necessary to have this information on every page, unlike nav links. And also if I end up changing that info, I won't have to automate updates across every single page of this website.

25/12/24 - 3PM

Contemplating journaling on an A6 instead of an A5.

25/12/24 - 2PM

Admittedly I don't know too much about other open communication protocols outside of e-mail, I've never used IRC, XMPP, Matrix, or Mumble. So I'll have to get around to trying them eventually.
The reason I feel obligated to try them is that I don't want to just summarize their basic functionalities cuz that's shallow and probably already been done, I want to actually be able to convey how they feel to use, the experience of using these protocols.

25/12/24 - 1PM

Currently re-structuring a section in my Zettelkasten about the problems with social media, and alternatives to it. I want to avoid super long addresses.
Thinking about alternative decentralized protocols and means for communication, expression and informing one-self.

25/12/24 - 5AM

I still have no fuckin clue how my peers struggled to compile with make and deal with dependencies, it's pretty straight forward :/

25/12/24 - 4AM

newsraft is straight up 1000% better than newsboat. vim bindings by default, being able to organize feeds into sections, much easier to open specific links, doesn't constantly segfault and crash.

25/12/24 - 2AM

merry christmas or sumth i guess.

24/12/24 - 5PM

hey girl, just ate an entire tub of aioli ;)

24/12/24 - 4AM

I've been thinking this for a while, but that first appointment with my therapist really confirmed this: I can't tell you what my qualities and positive traits are, but I'm certain spontaneity and quick-wittedness aren't part of them.
She asked me the circumstances under which I sought out therapy, and other things that I've spent quite a bit of time writing about, but in the moment I could not for the life of me access these thoughts and ideas in my head, I was scrambling to answer with something, anything, but I could barely do that.
This is something I've struggled with for a long time, whenever someone told me a joke, they immediately told me to lighten up, that it was just a joke. But no, I'm very much aware when someone tells me a joke, I just cannot find something to respond with, so I just freeze up, or laugh awkwardly.
We could have long conversations over e-mail, but if you came up to me right now to talk about it in person, I would not be able to gather my thoughts.
It's hard to stay hopeful that you'll find other people to connect with, when you can barely connect with yourself. Oh well.
J'ai l'esprit de l'escalier.

23/12/24 - 2PM

Ever since I was a kid, Youtube was a constant in my life that I couldn't get away from, no matter how hard I tried, if I were to summarize what my relationship with that site always was, I'd say it was a way to cope with a very unfulfilling life, I always wanted to get away from it, but eventually I'd bypass Leechblock, re-install it on my phone, etc...
The problem is less the medium of online videos, and more the intentionally addictive design that gets the user constantly searching and browsing...
I've been feeling something different, recently I've been getting bored of the videos I'd be usually watching, they just dont't quite hit the spot... I'll take this opportunity to uninstall freetube and block youtube on my browser, I'm still planning on using yt-dlp if someone gives me a link or if there's a video I really gotta watch.

At 4PM, I'll be going to my first appointment with a new therapist, first time I've went in a while, in the hopes of getting an actual diagnosis in order to not have a *fourth* breakdown that'll lead to me dropping out of whatever I'd be doing, and then being able to get a job that's adapted to my needs.
The closest thing I ever got to a formal diagnosis was "school phobia", which I'm pretty sure is NOT a diagnosis, that's just a symptom :/
Let's hope this psychologist isn't a quack, otherwise I waited an entire month for nothing.

22/12/24 - 3AM

I am high-key regretting using protonmail as my mail provider, I should have been more attentive and realized that I have to pay to use a client, I may or may not switch to something else.

22/12/24 - 1AM

I recently got a new keyboard, however it's in QWERTY and not the usual layout in my country, and I gotta switch to it otherwise I won't be able to use some keys.
u know ur hitting a low point when you slip into a fuckin polyphasic sleep schedule.

20/12/24 - 12AM

Working with Regex should legally be considered self-harm.

20/12/24 - 12PM

Spent way too long shaving my arms in the shower, so I'm now thoroughly prunemaxxed.

20/12/24 - 11AM

Wanted to let y'all know that I may or may not invest up to 25 Munies in total into a visual novel, for research purposes of course.

20/12/24 - 2AM

more linux user blues:
Who the fuck thought that having power-saving on audio by default was a good idea????
"Oh boy I sure do love having constant fucking white noise everytime a sound plays!!!!!!!"

19/12/24 - 9PM

Re-playing through Doom 1 again, just finished episode 2, such a good game, at its best, Doom feels like you're methodically exploring and clearing out an infested facility or compound, going through it carefully in order to not stumble unprepared into a monster closet, at its worse tho it feels like you're just fuckin' walking around in some labyrinth endlessly looking for some switch you missed or something like that.

19/12/24 - 7PM

Back in middle school, for some reason my password wouldn't work while accessing a computer in English class (Not in an english-speaking country), and my teacher, instead of calmly and rationally trying to deal with this problem (even a "that's kind of on you for forgetting the password :/ you'll need to contact the school's IT guy" would have been good), went on a power-trip and started yelling at me, and since I was always kind of a sensitive kid I cried .-.
The class wasn't even anything important or actually valuable, it was just to take a Myers-Brigg bullshit test, which is pretty much astrology for people who think they're too smart for astrology.
I later found out you couldn't do Shift-Lock for the number row in the login screen, and you needed to keep holding Shift, so that was all for nothing.
Afterwards I kept not doing assignments that had to be done on the computer with the excuse that "I wasn't good with computers" (straight-up lie). For example I would intentionally make a corrupted powerpoint file so it would seem like everything went magically wrong. Fuck that guy.
Funny coincidence, later in high-school I had an Italian teacher with the same last name as that guy, and she also gave off weird narcissistic vibes (kinda like Umbridge from Harry Potter), I didn't want to deal with teachers like her anymore so I ended up dropping out .-.
School really can be the worst formative experience for a kid who has trouble learning and focusing (like I didn't even know what "studying" actually entailed), yet teachers can't stop lying to themselves and others by just shrugging and saying "that's how it is".
I remember seeing this video by Louis Rossmann a few years ago, and finally feeling seen, like someone else actually understood and gave a shit about what I was going thru.

19/12/24 - 8AM

Finally made a barebones script to use the Neocities API that's a little less tedious than rawdogging curl. Can finally uninstall the neocities cli and ruby.

19/12/24 - 6AM

As I've been trying to actively experience and process the things in my life, I've been noticing these moments where ideas converge.
I just finished Our Life, and wow, what a great visual novel.
This along with leadhead's recent video-essays on found family have gotten me to think about the importance of all that, I'll probably write something more thorough about all this later.
I was actually kind of reticent on buying the DLCs and re-playing this game, I felt like I would inevitably be sort of min-maxxing that second playthrough and that would give me a less authentic experience, but the message on the game's end screen actually kinda got me to re-think that, so... yah.

19/12/24 - 5AM

fun fact: setting up arch linux is actually a major part of gender-affirming therapy for transfemmes :)

18/12/24 - 10AM

ouchiee I don't think I'll ever be shaving my legs against the grain ever again, it's just not worth the irritation and razor bumps, it sucks so baadddd fuckfuckfuck...
Anyways, having perfectly smooth legs is not really what I care about, I just don't want to look like a sasquatch.

18/12/24 - 3AM

I just finished step 3 of Our Life: Beginnings & Always.
GOD IM SO GAY HELP MEEEEEE!!!!!

I'm so down bad it's atrocious.
Such a good visual-novel, so comfy, and yet with this constant fear of impermanence that loomed over me as I went through it.
When the credits started rolling at the end of step 3, I was so scared it actually ended, but no there's still step 4.
I've yet to play Step 4, I'll do it tomorrow. god its so so so so good.

17/12/24 - 12AM

naming my firstborn "plorp"

16/12/24 - 6AM

Since i've been thinking more about perma-computing and digital minimalism, I've kind of been regretting not going with Devuan, which is a fork of Debian without systemd.
The reason for this is that I've been wanting to understand my system completely, but systemd makes that hard since, from what I understand, is something that doesn't just do init, but also everything else. And as I've realized, having a "power-user" mindset is only fun if you're not working with bloated and complex garbage.
If Devuan is a fork of Debian, I'm pretty sure a relativelty painless migration is possible...

14/12/24 - 6PM

I'm pretty sure having text that's written like "t h i s" is not great for accessibility, I'll change that tomorrow.
This laptop has thankfully yet to implode, so I'll be setting up my old laptop to give to my mom, I'll be installing Linux Mint on there cuz she's gonna just use it for digital paperwork stuff and browsing, and also because I think that making someone use Windows should legally be considered abuse.

14/12/24 - 1PM

I actually can just use the neocities API with curl, imma just make my own bash script or sumthin'...
Imma do that as soon as I can so I can uninstall ruby.

14/12/24 - 11AM

Finally updated the site's layout in order to have a clear distinction between casual and short posts, and more detailed and thought-out articles, big thanks to Mike Grindle for giving me that idea!
I decided to ditch using Python's http.server module for local hosting and I instead went for quark by suckless, and honestly it's pretty much the same without as many dependencies. I decided in turn to uninstall Python since it's way too vast and abstracted for me to ever wrap my head around, the best thing about Python is its high level of abstraction, the worst thing about Python is its high level of abstraction.
Shout-out to vim macros for making the process of replacing headers and footers through all html files super fast.
Also shout-out to the Neocities CLI program, in tandem with a bit of bash scripting, it allows me to upload all the updated files in less than a minute. Only downside is that it depends on ruby, and honestly the less dependencies, the better.

12/12/24 - 8PM

So I pretty much finished setting up everything that I consider essential for this new laptop:


Now I'll be working on doing a overhaul of this site's structure, and if this laptop doesn't self-destruct during that time, I'll set-up my old laptop to give it to my mom.

12/12/24 - 6AM

The sound fucking works baybeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
There are only a couple things left imo before I'm fully comfortable with the new laptop:

And then after that, I'll work on overhauling this site :}

12/12/24 - 4AM

local sleep deprived idiot coming at you to give you some updates on how it's going!
I configured dwm, st and dmenu some more, mostly colourscheme stuff. I settled on firefox as my web browser, I wanted to keep going with the minimalist, human-scale (that-is-to-say something I can actually wrap my head, something that isn't pseudosimple) and configurable software, but the modern Web is a big, beefy and bloated mass, and one needs big and beefy software to go through that.
st actually registers keys being held down normally, don't know why I was thinking it took a long time .-.
However something I have noticed about st is that the window's size can only ever be a multiple of the font-size, so I'll have to patch that.
The only truly essential thing that's missing right now is working sound, and then I'll be good to go!
So, uhhh, how do you stay awake for an entire day having barely slept?????, I guess just hanging around outside, keeping all the lights on, not laying down EVER...
why am i like this

11/12/24 - 9PM

I just built and installed dwm + st + dmenu, it was actually pretty simple, I updated my dwm keybinds to what I'm used to. I can already see a couple things to tweak: Configure colorschemes, st registers held keys way too long.
I'm having "fun" :)

11/12/24 - 5AM

So I finally got a script to make it easier to connect to the shared USB connection, so ye.
God my sleep schedule is so out of wack, yesterday I slept 9AM till 3PM, or something like that.
Turns out tinkering with my computer is pretty fun, when I don't have to do it to a gajillion complex programs.
Worked on my .vimrc and .bashrc, just added some very simple stuff like aliases, line numbers and autoindent in vim.
I'll add more to it as I go. Coasting rn.
I did set the colorcolumn in vim to 128 characters long, so I'll have to adjust the site's code according to that... Actually, I don't need to apply to this my olders posts, cuz I probably won't touch them any further in the future.
I think I've reached a pretty good point with just TTY sessions, but there are some things that I consider essential that are missing: listening to music, reading PDFs, having a GUI browser, anything that can't just be conveyed through plaintext.
So that means installing a display server (X or wayland??), and choosing a tiling window manager first-of-all, and that's a whole-ass can of worms that I'll tackle later.

11/12/24 - 3AM

Currently writing to y'all from a terminal session on a fresh minimal debian installation, I'm gonna hold off on installing stuff like X display server cuz I wanna see how far I can take this, I'm currently using Lynx as my browser.
Connecting to the internet via the USB shared connection is a pain in the ass, so I'll probably make a bash or python script to do that for me.
I'll set up my bashrc and vimrc, set up my config for newsboat, and probably some other stuff I'm forgetting.
This is the sort of stupid shit only a linux user would want to do at 3am.

10/12/24 - 4PM

God, I really opened Pandora's Box, haven't I?
I'm again considering going to Arch Linux or a minimal Debian installation, i'm back to thinking some more about what I actually want from my computer...
This is strange, instead of writing about it in my journal, I wrote this here. Part of me feels pressured to follow-up on this whole thread of thoughts here. Is this page really necessary, is sharing every single one of my inconclusive thoughts necessary? Is it just making me spend more time on the computer?
Man, I'm a mess right now, I have so many thoughts that are begging to be explored further all at once, I feel really overwhelmed... I'm just gonna do my chores and hopefully that'll help me process those things.

10/12/24 - 6AM

Been encountering some unexpected dillemas while moving to another laptop with better specs:
I installed Linux Mint on it, only to discover that there are no Linux drivers for my wi-fi thingy (fuck you mediatek and acer), and the only way for me to connect to the Internet is to plug in my smartphone with USB to share the wi-fi connection.
The luddite part of me thinks that being constantly plugged into the digital ether is not a necessity for me, and this could be a way to be more mindful and focused in life. The cyborg-zoomer in me absolute hates this, phantom limb.
Another thing is that I came to the conclusion that I am not a tinkerer, and that I cannot consistently maintain and work on config files for the life of me, my current setup is held together with duct-tape.
So I went back to the first desktop environment I started with: XFCE, since it just works out of the box. But it's dawning on me how much I've grown comfortable with my dingy little shit-shack of an environment, I've been using i3 + rofi + terminal for everything except for network/audio/bluetooth/etc settings, in that case I use GUI stuff.
It truly is sinking in how much I despise floating window managers, like who specifically thinks: "Oh boy! I sure love having a window hidden under another window! I also love how when I open a program it opens in some absolutely nonsensical position and size!"
I find myself in this weird position where I've grown really accustomed to an environment that a power-user would prefer, and me being, well, not that. I could just import my config files, but mannnnnnnnnn...
And there's some high stakes, there are so many good stickers on this laptop so I can't just give it up!

08/12/24 - 12AM

(From this post to those on the 12th, where originally on a page entitled shortposts)

Not sure if having a page for shorter thoughts is gonna lead anywhere, but this is pretty much just gonna be a dumping ground for stuff I can't quite turn into fully-fledged, cohesive posts.
Inspired by omishi's thoughts page.
Did a couple of stuff to make the site a bit more accessible, after reading this post by Mike Grindle, if you see any issues that I could improve on, please lmk.
I encourage you to use this online tool to see what you could be doing to make your site a bit more accessible, it's mostly working on the underlying code structure and other stuff that doesn't involve changing how the page looks.
Also if you're adamant on including seizure-inducing visuals, for the love of god please add a disclaimer on that page.
I've been too tired to do much of anything for the entire day cuz I just went to a punk venue for the first time, it was a really good time and I'm def gonna go back there again, but man my neck is sore from headbanging too hard.