January 2025

29/01/25 - 9PM

honestly been feeling kinda crappy, just kinda spent my days inside, on my computer and/or on my bed, feeling very tired and apathetic. I have so much shit I have to do (reading, writing, paperwork, finding a source of revenue, scheduling an appointment with my psychiatrist), but I just can't really muster the energy to care.
No. I think I actually do care, but my mind has atrophied rn, can't act.
I think I was doing better in November cuz I actually slept well, I suppose I felt more in sync with the world.
Should I just straight up take melatonin (if i still have some) and just turn off all the lights and go to bed? regardless of if I feel tired?
I know this is probably a fairly obvious problem to solve, but there's so many articles online, it all feels like noise.
I feel like such a fucking loser right now :{
Some part of me feels hesitant to even label my problem with a mental-health term like depression, because it feels lazy, like a cop-out.
I kinda feel like crying, I would say i'm about 30 to 50 percent about to do so.

turns out i was way the fuck lying about not being as dependant on youtube anymore. It's funny, I've completely detached myself from all of Youtube's exploitative design, (using freetube rn), no ads, no recommendations, no algorithms, but I'm still hooked on that shit.
At that point I feel like I can't even blame Google for this anymore, and it feels wrong to blame youtubers and streamers too.
This is the only way that I feel alive, is by peering into other people's lives, because I'll never be as eloquent, charming, intelligent or funny as the people on screen, and I know it's all edited, rehearsed and shit, but that's how my brain has been wired since I was 8 years old.
90% about to cry now lol.
I should probably just uninstall freetube, and just stop watching youtube, a couple funny videos is not worth my sanity and self-esteem. ive done that so many times, and ive went back on that so many times.
some part of me feels like i should delete the update in the activity feed, to not infect other people's feeds with my shit. but this very thought feels so fucking mean, i would never say that my feed is being infected by other people's vent posts or anything. idk.

27/01/25 - 10AM

nope, i did not have enough sleep for even this morning, I am NOT feeling funky fresh.
I will try to stay awake till 5PM at least, god help me.
I want to do things during the day, but for that I need to sleep correctly. I want to sleep correctly, but for that I need to do things during the day.

27/01/25 - 6AM

I think I slept from midnight to 4AM. I may have enough energy to at least carry me to where I want to go this morning, and maybe the whole day, I hope.
I've been really enjoying Anshin's comics as-of-late, in particular the Nikolay Meets Valya comics which are heartwarming and vulnerable in the most gruesome way possible, and Boring Story where the characters try their best to pick up the pieces and find comfort in eachother.
I may have a problem, but whatever, idgaf.

26/01/25 - 3AM

me when i lie

25/01/25 - 8PM

Excerpt from my actual journal:

Are zettelkastens for me?
I've been feeling lots of pressure to make good notes. to make then conscise and cohesive.
Do I need knowledge to be stored permanently? Not really considering the things I put in there I intend on turning into full-fledged writings.
What I need is to temporarily store ideas in a structured manner so I can reference them during the writing process, and they'll be discarded afterwards.

I kinda feel a little bad considering I really hyped myself up to the idea of having a zettelkasten, but it was still pretty fruitful. It pushed me to learn and absorb things in a structured manner, mmm...
As I went into writing this entry, I was pretty confident that I would drop my zettel, but now I'm not so certain, god why does my existence have to be so complicated?

Went out for groceries this evening, it was good, pleasant breeze, just went out in a hoodie, I'm glad things are finally warming back up again.
My sleep schedule is still kinda fucked, that's why I'm doing groceries late, another aspect of having a fucked routine is that no time feels like a good time to do anything, so you end up doing nothing.
Oops went back to being a little negative, but I had to fit that thought in somewhere.
I should make plans for what to do tonight...

and that's all for now, take care.

23/01/25 - 8PM

read serious weakness in one sitting yesterday, very good and very book. gay violence for me, yumny :)
honestly i'm not a beer gal, it all just kinda tastes meh, i only drink it at shows so i have something to hold onto :/
switched to new e-mail cuz proton is kinda meh.

22/01/25 - 5AM

god my brain feels numb, i hate this sooo much. I NEED to go outside or else I think I'll actually go insane, the library is definitively a good idea, I'm probably just gonna take my journal, some index cards, the zine I'm currently reading probably, I have to get away from my computer or I'm actually gonna lose my mind.
For a moment I felt this overwhelming feeling of not being qualified to talk about how to make technology or computing less shit, I'm far too dependent on my computer, and I have so many gaps in my knowledge, especially on everything regarding hardware (never got to go through the formative experience of building my own PC, cuz poverty), and I certainly don't apply my ideas to the fullest.
but whatever, I HAVE to get my ideas out, I cannot let them fester and rot inside me.
lol you can really tell when i take my antidepressants and when i dont. sorry for being a downer rn, ill probably feel better later

21/01/25 - 10PM

The other thing about having a fucked sleep schedule is that I've forgotten for a few days in a row to take my antidepressants in the morning, and I'm not sure that helped much.
I think I'm finally figuring out a good structure to put a bunch of ideas in my zettel, so yipeeee.
God my razor broke a while back and I need to get a new one, I absolutely don't like the look of my body hair aaaaaa

21/01/25 - 7PM

I actually want to be awake when other people are, yesterday I missed something I was actually looking forward to because I was too eepy, this fucking sucks. I suppose I should perhaps spend a day the library, just anywhere outside my house so I don't just go to bed.
I wish I actually could hang out outside, winter sucks so fucking bad, I can't do shit during that time.

21/01/25 - 6PM

my sleep schedule is beyond fucked

21/01/25 - 11AM

god im so tired helpppp mee.
im at that phase where im bargaining with myself, maybe if i take a nap for just 20ish minutes everything will be a-okay.
lol you know what, i'll do that, it'll be funny if the next post is in 10 hours or something.

21/01/25 - 10AM

am still awake and maybe mildly delusional :)
For a while, I've not added the problems of hardware and their possible solutions in my Zettelkasten (structure of small notes), I have the individual elements, but I have trouble figuring out the hierarchy and structure of these ideas so they can be presentable. I'm probably just being perfectionist but it really bugs me.

21/01/25 - 8AM

Played some more minecraft for an hour, I'm so jumpy it's actually ridiculous, I get nervous whenever I'm staring down a dark corridor, and I flinch whenever a mob appears. I need someone to comfort me ASAP or I'm gonna die of a heart-attack.

21/01/25 - 7AM

So I haven't slept since yesterday at 1PM approximatively, so I'm gonna attempt the thing that we all know doesn't actually work, I'll try staying up all day. Will be updating hourly until 7PM or so.
Imma go do the laundry.

21/01/25 - 6AM

Spent the last couple hours playing Minecraft.
More precisely the Better Than Adventure mod for Beta 1.7.3, I started a bunch of worlds that I gave up on, I'm currently set on focusing more on spelunking (setting up a base near a cave and just mining every ore in it) and not caring about aesthetics or big projects too much (unlike my previous big Minecraft world).
I was also watching a Neocranium VOD in the background, his stuff has been probably the only constant for me for the past 6 years, and his channel is one of the few reasons I still hesitate to completely remove Youtube from my life, it's that good.

21/01/25 - 1AM

Been a while hasn't it?
Here's some topics I'm planning to write full articles about:

ok buh bye.

08/01/25 - 1AM

If I do end up making this site look a little more fancy, I'll probably still keep the content in the main sections very barebones and minimalist for a couple of reasons:

05/01/25 - 11PM

Actually I'm not sure if NeXTSTEP-style buttons (the 90s desktop look in general) would be the best idea, I'd rather want to evoke DIY punk prints (limited palette, half-tones, collaged look), but with a slightly more pixelated and digital edge.

04/01/25 - 10PM

Although making such a visual update to the site's layout requires a bit of thought. I want my site to still be accessible on very minimal barebones and minimal browsers like lynx, so that leaves things like frames off the table.
And I still want to preserve my 3-tone color scheme, since that's become a part of this site's identity.
I've been keeping these little creatures (Xenia and Tux, from drakonic's tiny xenia sticker pack) on my desktop (with xteddy), they augment the vibes of my laptop, essential productivity hack.

A cropped screenshot of rotbrain's desktop, which features a cutesified drawing of Xenia The Fox (an alternative linux mascot) holding Tux The Penguin (Linux's main mascot), in the background is this page's HTML file opened in the vim text editor.

04/01/25 - 5PM

Y'know, I think an aesthetic update for this site would be excellent actually, to reflect my more concrete taste and values.
Oh, and happy new year to y'all.
Here's some important knowledge.

04/01/25 - 4PM

I regret to inform everyone that I was NOT a boss-ass bitch on new years, I just slept through midnight, I have disappointed my ancestors once again.
I'm *trying* to concentrate on two topics for beeg posts, so it'll take a while.
In the meantime, I may do an overhaul of the site, maybe instead of having a simple header, I could have some big chunky NeXTSTEP/Window-Maker style buttons, that could be pretty neat.