r o t b r a i n

ahah feelin hella springtrapped rn on god frfr - 15/09/24

Here are some things i just changed:

Right now I've been lent some wireless earbuds, I really appreciate the gesture, tho I'm starting to really miss my usual headphones (in Tha by Aphex Twin, the kick drum is now a sad little click).
I'm gonna quit bitching about that tho, cuz i got other things to whine about.

Ever since July, I've been feeling like shit, and it is absolutely, POSITIVELY, my own fault. Here's the lore:
During September, I started my first year at an IT/CS school for a course that would last a few years, I found this school while I was being supported by a couple organizations designed to aid young adults with jobs and all that.
I was initially going there in order to become a sysadmin, and from the perspective of the people who were in charge of me at those organizations I mentioned, I was a hard-worker who found his perfect job that he's really passionate about. And the people whom I've worked with at the school also have said these things about me.
However, from my point of view, this is (at least partly) bullshit.
I was absolutely NOT looking forward to this, I absolutely dreaded the thought of standing in front of a scren for the majority of my day, since that's what i do most of my time and it makes me absolutely miserable. I was mostly getting into this field since I was fairly familiar and comfortable with computer stuff (at least more than most zoomers nowadays) and also I didn't want to look like an indecisive disgrace.

A couple months in, I decided to pivot to becoming a software developer since I enjoyed the slightly more creative and directly collaborative aspect, but the dread concerning my future was still somewhat present.
And towards the middle to the end of that first year, I was absolutely working myself into the ground, working throughout the weekends, working throughout the occasional 1 week break, pretty much finishing projects by myself since the rest of my team would either not do much, or would over-engineer the ever-loving shit out of something without asking anyone for feedback, actively making things difficult for everyone involved.
By the way, I don't actually personally resent those people, for the most part I get along just fine, and I think these problems could have been solved if I had just spoken up more firmly that this shit was killing me, but I'm spineless so I never insisted.

Now, this school has a catch, you can attend the next years for free if you have a contract with a company that allows you to attend school for X time followed by Y time at the company (vocational day something), or else you have to pay a hefty sum every month.
This is where we get to one of my major character flaws: I have absolutely no self-discipline at home if I find something not sufficiently stimulating.
This is a trait of mine that I have had since primary school. Need to do my homework? Nope. Need to have one of my parents sign something? Nope. Need to study something? What the hell does "studying" even entail? Need to pack my bags for the classes I would have the next day? I'll just carry every single book I have like a fucking mule (This was only in primary school tho). To this day, I have absolutely no routine, this was either not really instilled in me as a child (what a stupid reason) and/or I absolutely cannot absorb this sort of stuff. I spent that time on Youtube, in order to block out the dread that I felt towards the day to come.
And this tendency of mine hasn't just bit me in the ass, it has absolutely ripped me in half... I have not looked for a contract, of course I absolutely lie through my teeth to everyone who I talk to about this ("I have been contacting a bunch of companies but they either say my skills don't match what they need, or they don't respond", dishonesty is also one of my worst flaws).
And now the end of the month is approaching, I am still not looking for shit, everyone (rightfully) expects me to do something about this (I won't), I have ceased working on the current project and my team is fucked because of me, and I have the NEED to get a fuckin' bicycle and pedal away from this bullshit and go live in the woods or something, but I can't even do that since that would give my mom a fatal panic attack.

I guess I'm looking for sympathy, if I have written this much, but the truth is that this is absolutely, completely and utterly deserved.
Be sure to stick around for the update when this shit will go off the rails, at least I have that to look forward to, lol.
Sorry if these posts have all been downers so far, I will soon look back at some old journal entries for days when I was a little less miserable so it's at least bittersweet. But ideally, I want to make something that actually inspires people to do something with their lives, which is something I wish I had.
It's been a while since I wrote anything, recently all my thoughts have felt completely incoherent, at least in written form they make a bit more sense. There are a bunch of loose threads (Most prominently if I actually enjoy software development), but I've completely emptied my battery for writing, and I'm gonna back to watching youtube and dreading tomorrow, where I won't be safe and i will be very, very, VERY sorry.
Thanks if you actually read through this shit. If you wanna contact me, you can do so through my e-mail. Peace be with you :)

update - 15/09/24 (A couple hours later)

Woah, I was in a messy state when I wrote this! Not that I'm that much better now.
Looking at this post, I realize that I don't want this to just be a place for me to ramble about my shit without any actual conclusion, I want this to actually have a point.
Now I'm not saying that from now on I'll just be writing lengthy essays, I do think posts like this one do help me to reflect on some shit and I do like the somewhat spontaneous aspect of this (writing do be feelin good).
You can expect, at some point in the future, some sort of """mission statement""" concerning this blog, and then a (hopefully) fully-formed, cohesive and coherent post concerning escapism, youtube, social anxiety, all the stuff I rambled about in this post and the previous one.
I'll try to accept that tomorrow, and the dozen or so days after that, will be rough, I'll try to keep some sort of dignity, even if things do sort of fall apart.
Peace!