I DID NOT ACCEPT TOMORROW WITH DIGNITY - 17/09/24
"I'll try to accept that tomorrow, and the dozen or so days after that, will be rough, I'll try to keep some sort of dignity, even if things do sort of fall apart." - me, 15/09/24
Bro thinks he's a stoic.
Ever since high-school, whenever I didn't want to go school, I would instead go on a walk outside for usually an hour or two, I don't exactly
know why but if I were to guess:
- To get away, obviously
- To clear my head
- Not wanting to immediately go home
- Because it felt like the only thing I could do without being pushed by anyone to do so, I guess
Yesterday, I had to go to give a presentation of the current project (which if you read the last post, you would know I didn't work on and
finish), so instead I decided I would go on a walk, in a single direction.
I ended up walking through a neighboring town, into another town, and back home. Which sums up to around 20 kilometers.
Now I'm not sure if that's actually impressive or not, but that doesn't really matter since I had definitely reached my own limits on how
much I could walk in a single day, around halfway this spontaneous hike, my feet were incredibly sore and it was becoming very painful to
walk, so I took a break near a park at the town I ended up in at around 3 P.M. and left at around to go back home at around 6 P.M.
However walking still sucked so I had to take very small and slow steps, it certainly didn't help that there were constant steep uphills and
downhills and I managed to get home by 9 P.M.
I ended up just going directly to my bed, and worrying the hell out of my mom. I was feeling horrible, I told myself I should not drink
despite not having drank more than 1 liter of water (and sweating most of that water away), because I deserved to feel like shit and I didn't
deserve the love my mom gave me.
Out of this self-hatred I ended up thinking some pretty ridiculous things, like how I should never talk again so I wouldn't any more lies, or
how I should never listen to music again because i couldn't let myself enjoy anything.
And in some sense I was still very much aware that this was not actually healthy (I literally titled the file in which I typed some of that
horrible shit "self-hate.txt", lol, and I even wrote "although at the end of the day, this is escapism, just extreme").
Next day, I actually talked about my shit, and right now things are looking a bit better. I still haven't fully processed it at the
moment.
I'll be working on the detailed blog post on escapism and youtube. Hopefully this blog won't just be venting lol.
Peace.