almost end of year 2025 - 08/12/25
a couple months have passed of me trying to write here again and giving up.
i should stop thinking of posting things that are deep, detailed and structured and just start posting anything.
mmm, where to start.
updates on stuff i've mentioned and talked about here
i've been doing introspective journaling less and less lately, not really proud of that.
i've just been taking short notes on a diy notebook made with mini-zines, it's purely been utilitarian tho.
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I've made it a habit of going out and seeing people, being at least somewhat present within the local community, this has been 100% a positive development for me.
Although I'm still scared of fully opening up, of expressing myself, of being vulnerable, I'm really afraid of being rejected and criticized.
I really don't feel like I'm connecting with anyone both online and in measpace, and that fucks me up bad.
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can you tell that i'm out of therapy and unmedicated? lol
reason that i stopped was because i was getting so incredibly sick and tired of running in circles, pulling teeth just to get a diagnosis, and all the frankly unhelpful advice.
and about going unmedicated... eh.
sometimes i feel good, sometimes i feel like shit, i just try living with it.
new stuff i've done or i'm currently doing
had a brief stint where i was learning toki pona
really neat language, very folk vibes if that makes sense?
black metal sung in toki pona would go hard.
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played "hotel dusk: room 215" and "last window: the secret of cape west", which are a duology of detective adventure games for the nds
the vibes in these games are immaculate, very comfy in all aspects, visuals (both drawn and 3d renders), music (chill lounge, blues and jazz), and characters (fairly small casts that you get familiar with throughout).
occasional gameplay jank like having to do things in kinda specific order, and emulator causing problems with touchscreen based puzzles (use pause and unpause!!)
still really good tho
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configured the ever living fuck out of my current browser, vimb, to be as minimalist and not distracting as possible.
like using duckduckgo in text only mode, not having an address and search bar, not having any browsing features on youtube, in order to not start going down rabbit holes typeshit
and unlike previous solutions to make stuff less addictive, i can't just remove them cuz i spent way too much time setting it up.
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watched the gmod stream, a really great unfiction film about long-distance friendships, doomed polyamorous(?) yuri.
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played prince of persia of dos, beat it 3 times.
it's a very penis type game, mostly due to how the whole *super cool cinematic rotoscoped animations* fuck with the movement and combat.
getting over it with bennett foddy was relaxing compared to this shit.
tried playing the sequel but immediately realized that they just expanded on the bullshit aspects of the original game so i dropped it.
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been learning uxn, a virtual machine focused on being easy to understand and to implement.
mostly cuz as i was configuring my linux system, it occured to me that there was no way in hell that i would really have a complete picture of all its components.
i feel like uxn is an environment that i can truly and fully understand.
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finally set up pipewire+jack so i can plug in my bass and do some low latency recordings as well as using live effects, hell yea.
i tried previously to set it up but it didn't work, and the reason why is so stupid.
turns out my audio device needs to have all outputs unmuted, they can be at 0%, they just *cannot* be muted for some reason???
here's a recording of me playing over love by squee, as a treat:
what now?
i've been thinking of what to work towards in 2026, won't be sharing all of it but you can guess it's some of the stuff written here..
to be fair i don't really know what to do with this site.
i'm not giving up on it tho, i'm way too attached to it.
i've been occasionally been posting stuff on fedi that isn't total brain melt, so maybe expand on that and post it here?