The Shittiest Feeling - 24/02/25

I kinda swore that I would never ever write inconclusive vent posts again, but whatever, if I don't write this down or tell anyone, I'll boil over.

Saturday, I started writing a mini-zine/mini-essay. This drive to get going was very spontaneous and out-of-nowhere, something I pretty much never feel. And so I went ahead.

It was a very exciting feeling, I had to go grocery shopping first, and even as I was walking I was assembling and structuring shit. When I went to sit down and write the words fairly easily poured out, and it matched my vision, it felt incredible.

But as I went further, I started to feel increasingly more doubt and embarassment at what I made. Consciously, I know the things that I wrote are true, but I can't stop myself from thinking that what I made is "childish", "whiny", "pretentious", "corny".

It's pretty much 90% done, and I'd love to show it to some people, but I'm scared and I don't know why.

I know that those I'd show it to would probably agree with what I said, and that the feedback they would give would still be constructive and positive. But I still feel so incredibly sick at being this vulnerable and flawed.

It's funny, I'm so stressed about not seeming perfect when this mini-essay is pretty much about rejecting perfection. And I could probably just read it to my mom who would agree with it and emphatize, but what if she didn't? What if all I get is rejection?

Logically this is a good thing, I have confirmation that those people aren't worth it, and I can tell them to go fuck themselves without any guilt or remorse. But I would be lying if I said it would't hurt.

I'm probably gonna still release it, because I still really like it, and I know if someone else made it and I happened to read it, I would love it. I could just go through with it, and it'd be like this little phase never happened, but eerrgrhgh.

ok that's enough, I think I got all my feelings out, I am ultimately pretty proud of what I have so far, and I hope you'll be able to understand and feel what it is that I write about in it, when it comes out in a couple of days or so.

I need to eat, it's 4PM and I still haven't eaten lunch.